It's funny what Christ can use to grab your attention. He used lice for me. In the midst of dealing with such a nuisance of a bug, I would have never realized what I know now. However, just letting myself be near to Christ and listen to him more (like I wanted to in my first posting) I came to an understanding of everything. It may not be exactly why Christ brought all of it upon me and maybe at times a silly comparison, but it brings peace to my soul.
Lice invested me (gross) about three or four weeks ago when my heart was being broken and I didn't even realize it. Just like I didn't realize I had lice at the beginning, I wouldn't let myself even go to the depths of how I was feeling. I am very much a shrug it off kind of person, but I was hurting and did not let myself feel that because to me that is a sign of being weak. I don't want to be weak and want to control my life. Christ was trying to break me of that.
Once I found the lice, I went through denial. I pretended like it was mostly gone when I really had no idea if it was there or not. I didn't want to think about it so I didn't. I was dealing with my brokenness in the same way. I pretended I was okay. I pretended that my friends hadn't been distant towards me or hurting me for weeks. I pretended that I didn't feel alone and that I was unhappy. I knew deep down that I was not okay, but hey thats easy to cover up.
Then that fateful Sunday happened on spring break. That Sunday made me have to come to terms with okay I do have lice. It's not as easy to get rid of as I thought and I had to accept the fact that I had a problem (even though lice is not that big of a deal). I had to actually deal with it. Christ stripped me of everything I put my comfort in that day. I had never felt so hurt, so unwanted, and so alone as I did from friends that day. I believe Christ had to do that to get my attention because I wasn't letting him in when he had been trying for so long. Oh how I wept.
The next week was the beginning process of my healing. I went through ups and downs of feeling hurt and feeling loved my Christ. My friendship with Mary was strong again, and I think we needed that week to rekindle our friendship and going back to comparing it to my process with lice..that week was the week we were really treating our hair and spending lots of time and effort trying to get rid of it. During that restful time, I was able to be alone with Christ and really start understanding how I tend to put other relationships before him. My lice getting less and less, but I still would find some throughout the week. Like with my hurt, I was feeling my need for Christ and the pain of what had happened was getting less, but the hurt was still there.
The next week was my breaking point. I had thought on the way home from spring break that I was over it all and I was going to be all happy and carefree once I got back. However, I had to come back to a house and friends that were still scared of the bug and a house that definitely did not feel like a home.
Christ wasn't going to let me shrug what I was feeling off and was going to make me sit in my uncomfortableness...literally. He longed for me to really embrace him. Ron was going through a hard week, as well, so what typically brought me happiness even when no one else was, was not there either. I finally broke down and accepted that I was hurt and that it really sucks just like I had finally come to terms with the pains of lice. I was ready to end the battle with it. I was ready for Christ to heal me. I read a quote from the lent devotion I have been doing that said,
"To embrace one’s brokenness, whatever it looks like, whatever has caused
it, carries with it the possibility that one might come to embrace
one’s healing, and then that one might come to the next step: to embrace
another and their brokenness and their possibility for being healed.
To avoid one’s brokenness is to turn one’s back on the possibility that
the Healer might be at work here, perhaps for you, perhaps for another"
I had to embrace that I was hurting so that I could heal. I think during my small group and speaking openly about my pain was what finally allowed me to do that. I felt as though that week I was at risk of blinding myself with my tears and not allowing myself to see Christ at all but wallow in my self-pity.
Instead, reading about how Christ wept for Jerusalem in the verses Luke 19: 41-44 made me run to him. Christ says in that verse "If you, even you had only known on this day what would bring you peace but now it is hidden from your eyes." I made the decision to open my eyes to a God who loves me so much that he wept for me. He so badly wants all of us to run full speed ahead to him. I know the truth but it took the lice and brokenness to get me to really know the truth and really let Christ be my healer, lover, friend, and God that he wants to be for me.
The lice may or may not be fully gone. I am still treating it and hoping I got rid of those suckers, but if they aren't completely gone I will keep treating it. I know my hurt isn't fully gone either, but I am going to use Christ to treat me instead now. I have so much peace with everything. I have realized it is okay to be hurt by friends, and it is okay to let them know they hurt you. Christ is what brings me joy, and because he loves us and wants us to be happy he gives us other people/things/relationships to bring us joy too. I have learned that people fail you because we are all human but Christ never will.
I am thankful for lice today. I am thankful that Christ wept for me today. I am thankful for his lovingkindness.
